Words Matter
"I don’t know why I eat out so often. Maybe I’m just lazy," I said during my first holistic health session with my mentor and friend, Sarah Heringer, nearly two years ago.
“You’re not lazy. Words matter,” she retorted with a kind but knowing look.
Her statement was shocking and has stayed with me ever since. It was the first time I realized how much negative self-talk and self-depreciation I had been enduring and how it could change. In all my years working with patients and clients, I always understood the importance of the way I communicated diagnoses, prognoses, and treatment plans. The delivery, tone, and content all form a cohesive message that often involves putting the person at ease, letting them know someone is on their side and will work to help them. However, I had never turned that approach inward. I had never considered that I needed to show myself the same kindness and patience.
Negative self-talk is unique to each person, and changing this habit is equally personal. Over the past year, through research, coaching, and personal development, I’ve learned a few strategies that have changed how I talk to myself and improved my self-worth and confidence. These practices are deeply rooted in our psyche and beliefs, and while it’s not an easy journey, I hope some of these resonate with you.
1. Start with Your Name
One of the most impactful changes I made was saying my name before initiating any internal dialogue, especially after making a mistake or feeling shameful or awkward.
Last October, FMFC hosted a seminar featuring Vince Bruno, LPC, where he discussed the effects of psilocybin in therapies and how the brain develops emotions such as shame and security. I highly recommend watching it even if you’re not interested in the treatment (https://youtu.be/N_Vropqbp9g). During the seminar, I had a moment similar to my session with Sarah when Vince talked about how mean we can be to ourselves in our heads. He suggested saying your name before you start to berate yourself. If you were talking to a friend, you’d likely comfort them and highlight their good qualities. Starting an internal dialogue with your name humanizes you and makes you more likely to be kind and forgiving, just as you would be with a friend.
2. Measure Yourself Backwards
This concept comes from Dan Sullivan’s book, "The Gap and the Gain: The High Achievers’ Guide to Happiness, Confidence, and Success.” Instead of comparing yourself to an ideal, measure yourself against your past achievements. Each night, I wrote down three things I had accomplished that day, ranging from small tasks like taking a walk to larger ones like finishing an article. Then, I listed three goals for the next day, keeping them realistic and achievable.
This practice shifted my focus to the little wins. Over time, I started looking for these wins daily. Even if I didn’t complete all my tasks, I still achieved something. This approach made my workouts more enjoyable, reduced my body dysmorphia, and allowed me to appreciate my progress. Occasionally, I still journal in the evenings, especially to document something spectacular. Reflecting on these entries further solidifies how far I’ve come.
3. Stop Saying “I’ll Try”
Instead of saying “I’ll try,” I now say, “I’m going to BLANK” or “My new process is BLANK.” Saying “I’ll try” gives an easy out and alleviates the pressure of not achieving a goal. Identifying with the action or statement, such as “I am a strong, beautiful person,” makes it more likely to become a habit or belief. This idea is supported by James Clear in his book "Atomic Habits," where he explains that identity, or our beliefs, drives habits. For instance, someone who says, “I’m trying to stop smoking” is less likely to succeed than someone who says, “I am no longer a smoker.”
This shift has been significant in my life. I started affirming positive statements about myself, which helped reshape my thoughts and actions. It wasn’t an immediate change, but over time, I realized I had begun to identify with these positive habits.
Conclusion
Breaking the chain of negative self-talk and self-depreciation is challenging and requires conscious effort. However, making small, consistent improvements adds up over time. Operation Anya-Stop-Beating-Yourself-Up has taken over a year, and I can honestly say I haven’t berated myself in my head in a long while. This subtle change has made my days more enjoyable, reduced the pressure to be perfect, and allowed me to rest and have more fun. While I still have difficult days, they are fewer and further between. I hope you find these strategies helpful and find ways to be kinder to yourself if you aren’t already.
Article by Coach Anya
